I’m writing this post on day +10 but trying to reflect back on pieces of the last week to share. Bottom line, I was sick, couldn’t write, couldn’t think, sometimes struggled to stay awake. Blogging was out of the question. Eating was out of the question. Texting and holding my phone were out of question. It’s hilarious I thought I would read, watch a movie or do anything but just be, just exist. I was passing time, managing discomfort, getting comfortable with confusion.
Big thanks to those who checked in with my dream team (aka Maggie and Nicole) for updates.
It’s not just that you’re sick or that this is hard or that you have to take it one day at a time. Those phrases seem trite to say the least. My body was not my own. I was existing in it but everything was happening to me and I had no control. Also day-to-day, it changed. So knowing what came next wasn’t a possibility. Talk about being forced to live in the moment!
I had various chemotherapies from day -7 through -2 (fun fact, day -1 was my “day of rest”). I had the rabbit protein which caused the super scary allergic reaction Maggie wrote about and I had my stem cell transplant on day 0. I wanted that to be a big thing but it is very anticlimactic. Your stem cells are hung, hooked up to the PICC line, and transfused in you before you know it. Don’t blink, you might miss it.
The days following were the brutal ones. I was once again paralyzed from the waste down and lost feeling in my fingers and hands. The chemo drugs were on their killing spree but in the background the hope-filled stem cells, were and continue to, find their way to make new bone marrow and a new immune system.
I’m not myself regarding all things: mobility, energy, wit, clarity of mind, anything. But I’m getting there.
So hello from the other side. As my counts go up, hopefully I will feel more like writing again.